In the mind of an addict, everything is about living in the moment, as you don’t care to think about the future. This led me to a very dark path. I don’t know what was worse; not being able to cope, so desperately wanting to quit using, constantly telling myself “maybe this time will be different", or being so drugged out of your mind to the point where you can barely function. The only focus of an addict in active addiction is to find the next high to create a false reality to escape the misery that reality entailed. 

When I was only 12 years old, I began acting out and drinking alcohol, and by 13 I began smoking weed and the drinking started to occur more, until I couldn’t even function and should’ve probably gotten my stomach pumped. I also began harming myself at 13 years old. I still remember wearing beaded bracelets up to my elbows to hide the scars on my arms. My scars used to taunt me, but after many years they have finally shown me strength. I was ashamed of my scars as often reactions were to “hide/cover them.” I felt more ashamed of my mental health and everybody was equating my mental health to simply grief and anxiety. Over many years, I went to private therapists, tried several medications, and even admitted myself to psychiatric wards but as time went on, the state of my mental health did nothing but decline and my drug usage increased. I genuinely believed that there was no hope, and my life was doomed for misery. 

Taking time off from "life" just to focus on mental wellness is not something that is often taken seriously as the individual is seen to be “lazy” or “not trying.” Let me tell you, spending six months at Dunham House was the best decision I have ever made for myself. It was an incredible journey from start to finish. It wasn't always rainbows and sunshine, but I learnt to "avoid, avoiding" in order to deal with the things that haunted my soul so I could learn to love and rediscover myself. It has been the hardest and scariest leap of faith I have ever taken, especially when I felt empty and lifeless, existing was a challenge within itself, and everything was overwhelming. Even something that seems so easy and mundane to some, may be terrifying and overwhelming for others. Addiction is a daily battle, but I am trying my damn hardest to fight through the barriers of my mental illness and addiction, and it has been worth it every single day. Growth can be very uncomfortable, but that also means that you are evolving, healing and bettering yourself. Nothing in life comes easy, but the outcome is so worth it. 

With the support of Dunham House, I was able to get myself out of the multiple holes I had dug myself into, I was able to see a doctor about drug rehabilitation and going back on my medications. People were finally listening to my story and taking me seriously, but I still had to self-advocate as you are the only one that knows what’s going on your head. I was able to learn to be my genuine self through a variety of different avenues such as informative and insightful workshops, counselling, art, music, equestrian therapy, and my personal favourite, spending time in the beautiful scenery and nature that Dunham offers. I really appreciated the diversity in the opportunities that were offered, in addition to the free time in which I was able to learn to find new hobbies to replace the time I would have spent using drugs and alcohol. I am now approaching a year and a half without any drugs or alcohol and I have never felt better. I am so grateful for all the gifts of sobriety. I have been presented with opportunities I never thought were even possible because of how much of my heart and soul I have put into my recovery. Dunham House helped me turn far-fetched dreams into attainable aspirations. Dunham House changed my life. 

I am so grateful for my support system at Dunham House. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I appeared to be acting “crazy” and felt like a lost cause. Addiction and mental illness isn’t a cookie cutter disease in which it presents itself in the same ways in each individual, like the common cold or flu. I do hope some may follow in my footsteps and share their story as the more information that is out there, the better it is, and the less overwhelming it may become for people as they know that they are not alone and not the only ones experiencing the same things. Be proud of the small accomplishments because that is what will get you by. I’m so proud of anybody who has their own mental illness story and is still fighting, because let me tell you, it is not easy. 

No matter how hard you try, the past cannot be changed and the future is unknown, all that is certain is this very moment right now - what are you going to do with this moment right now because you can't get it back. Approach recovery with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness, and extraordinary outcomes become significantly more attainable. 

Thank you Dunham House, for believing in me, and providing me the opportunity to create a new beautiful life for myself and giving me chance at hope again. 

"Pain is inevitable, but it is what you do with it that matters"